Nov 4th, 2012
My world has been rocked with turmoil, and in response, a longing for absolute deep quiet and release of stress is urging me to commune with my Teachers. I feel like I am not steering my own life-directions, but rather being pushed and pulled by outside forces. It comes down to boundaries, because at this time I do not feel I am owning my own life, and yet I am fully aware that I am the one giving away the power to steer.
It has been a full day of attempting to be calm and present to the students within a background of administrative distress. I spend ten minutes in the dark communing with Life Blood Tree. Just breathing with her. I am aware of the porch-light seeping in through my closed eye-lids. Distracting. Then, as she continues to breathe with me, and me with her, all becomes very dark, black, deeply quiet inside my mind and in my inner-sight field. Nourishing. Then I hear her voice, imploring me...
"Be the connection to the earth and elements everywhere you go, in everything you do. That is your work. Embody and be Mol'farka, embody Gaia, embody yourself and be true to it all. Be true to your heart."
Nov 11th, 2012
The grey sky matches my mood. Standing with Grandmother Tree, my mind is full of my own story. Weariness. Fragmented. Long hours, not enough time in the forest, barely time to relax.
Wrapping me in her grandmother-energy, she urges, "Breathe into your heart to alleviate the pain. Breathe freely, unlock the tightness, let the energies flow."
I breathe, and nausea fills my stomach.
"There are things you must release. Feel me to the roots and heart and sky – feel me." I am hyper-aware of her nurturing, gentle, matriarchal energy.
Closing my eyes, I drop my awareness to her roots, then heart, then her branches in the sky. The nausea lifts. I look up – her canopy so high, yet overall, she has relatively few branches and needles given her great height. There are many dead branches along the way up.
"Yes, there are things you must give death to along the way. Otherwise it is a waste of resources." She grows quiet, and we stand in silent embrace for a time.
I continue my walk into the deeper forest, through the muck and growing puddles, past the cougar-cliff, toward the two fallen trees and the Counsel of Trees.
Just as I approach the animal-path that takes me toward the Counsel, two dogs bound up the hill of the main walking-path. They are medium large dogs, and I am unable to see their care-taker anywhere nearby. They begin to bark as their companion rounds the corner far away at the bottom of the hill.
Initially, fear courses through my body. I have been bit by dogs in the past, and this memory still lives in my bones and tissues. However, I decide to simply open and greet the dogs with joy. With this shift, they greet me equally joyfully. Within a short time, their companion catches up to them, gathers their collars into hand, and keeps walking. I move discretely onto the animal-path, and hear words in my heart, "Greet all experiences openly."
Each time I have planned something very intentional and specific for myself this weekend, I have encountered delay or something that has caused a change of plans. What does this mean about myself or my energy right now...? Perhaps I need to be much clearer in my direction, yet also find flexibility? I feel like I am in a crucible right now – food for some intense alchemical process. It is not comfortable.
As I enter the Counsel and approach I See You Tree, I notice that the looking-branch now sits 2 feet above my head, where in the summer it was as low as my heart. I continue to be amazed at the movements of these ancient creatures.
Walking to the different emanations of Ma to make offerings and greetings, I connect with One Root, Many Branches. "Dig your foundation deep. Now is the time to grow your foundation stronger. Study, integrate, so that what you offer has more depth."
"What direction do I go in for studies?" I ask.
She replies, "Ask Many Roots, One Path."
At Many Roots, I give gratitude for the offering she made me last time I was with her – a dead vine to take home for burnings. Reaching out to touch her main vine – the one that seems to jump 30 feet into the air and finally lands and twines on her companion's first branch – I feel the cool life-bloods that course through her.
"Even as you perceive me as One Path, if you look closely you will see little branches and vines as offshoots all along my body. There is not just one path you follow, but many. Following the Mol'farka's path is a whole new discipline and will require study. This is what we speak of. Go deeper in these studies."
"Where do I focus my energies – at the college, or out of it?"
Softly, she replies, "Breathe into your heart, ask for a vision. Where does fear cloud your ability to see with a clear heart?"
I breathe for a few moments, feeling the truth in her question.
Nov 13th, 2012
There have been unexpected urgencies at work. What am I to learn from this intensity? What have I ignored that is now screaming out for attention? What within me is asking for healing?
Is this an initiation?
Nov 16th, 2012
It is after midnight – technically the 17th. I am rarely up this late.
I feel restless. I feel like scrambled eggs. It has been an incredibly turbulent few weeks at work, and the intensity has grown rather than diminished. I will ask my Teachers for dreamtime guidance.
Nov 17th, 2012
I awaken to a flurry of creative thoughts. I do not remember my dreamtime. However, something has shifted. Suddenly, clarity is forming... And I have a realization.
Dark Ma is on my side.
The intense experiences seemed like poison in the moment of experiencing them – my mind and heart have been in a frenzy with each added incident – like I was being squeezed.
However, stepping back and letting-go of panic, clear-heart seeing is arising.
And I can see how all of the experiences of this past month are pointing – squeezing – directing – me to the necessary next steps. And though it didn't seem so at first, the growth that will happen by making these changes will actually also be my transitional path. By strengthening my foundation, I will simultaneously be able to step back and fulfill the imperatives of my Teachers.
I had been thinking it was an either/ or situation – that I had to give something up. It is now clear it is an "and" situation. I strengthen my foundation, and I achieve the transition I am being asked to make.
Dark Ma's teachings are exceedingly intense,
and she is on my side.
Nov 18th, 2012
I am at the Sacred Grove, and have greeted my friends Root Ma, Dark Ma and Guardian Ma. I open my heart and pour out the feelings of this past month, and the realizations of yesterday.
I ask for confirmation about my conclusions, “Are my understandings accurate?” In the moment of asking, the sun peeks out from behind the grey clouds, and casts light on my face. I feel a heart warmth and confirmation.
Dark Ma speaks. "This will allow you to step back and into these studies and teachings."
"These have been big lessons. Intense lessons. How can I more gracefully step into them?" I ask. I feel weary from all of the turbulence.
"With clear-heart seeing,” she replies. “Trust that everything you encounter is medicine."
"Is this the price of past arrogance? I have been wondering if I am being "punished" for blindly stepping into roles that I may not have been fully prepared for.”
"No, the teachings you offered needed to be delivered to the people who received them at the time, and in the manner they were given – and you may not have delivered them if you had thought it through. Now you are being asked to transition the teachings to a new form, plus transition your focus and role, because this is the way they must all go forward. That's all.
Follow the impulses that lead you on this path. This is Spirit acting through you.
The teachings you provide will be made even stronger. Trust the process. Feel you heart, trust your heart. It is good."
Knowing our lesson is complete, I walk deeper into the forest. Passing by Turn-in-the-Road Ma, she offers, "This is a turn in the road. Honour it. Do not let this opportunity pass by."
I follow the small animal trail. The forest floor is so lush after the rains. Tiny mushrooms are growing everywhere – so many different varieties. I do not speak their language as yet, though I am drawn to them. I attempt to avoid stepping on them as I walk. The mosses and lichens are perky and raised – they seem so vibrant right now, especially in contrast to the grey wet skies.
I find my way to Cluster Ma. As I connect with her, I am intrigued with the lichen and mosses on her vines as well as on her companion tree. I look up her vines to the huge cluster of branches and leaves above me.
"How do you feel about your students?" she asks.
"They are like my children", I reply. I mean this in the most positive way – I feel a sense of commitment, dedication and heart-connection to them.
"Your connection will not end… Remember them as such – people you are dedicated to. And realise the amount of personal energy that flows out from your heart. Give yourself time, and rest. There will be many who will make the transition with you. Pace your teaching. It will make your presence stronger."
Approaching the Ancient One, I feel a shift – humbled – as I step closer to her. As I make offerings, the companions on and near her – moss, lichen, little mushrooms, spider, companion tree – catch my attention – I am immersed in the interconnections they share.
And then, suddenly, I feel no connection. Not just no connection to Ancient One, but no connection… As if all has gone silent, there is nothing I can sense or feel. No connection to the teachings, or to Gaia, or to others. All of my knowledge feels like it has no value – like there is nothing I have learned. The disconnection feels so utterly complete, that there will be nothing of value for me to learn in the future – nothing to bring to the community of peoples. In this moment, it is like I am swallowed into a void. Not an emptiness full of potential and possibility – rather, an emptiness that is devoid of any and all life, devoid of Spirit. Everything feels “flat,” de-spirited, and I momentarily doubt the validity of receiving teachings from any plant, as if Ma is only inanimate matter.
Then, just as quickly, my mind shifts to neo-Tantra. Its focus is the orgasm – the culmination of prolonged "ecstasy" – rather than the focus of Tantra itself, which is the expanded and interconnected wisdom and consciousness that is embodied in every atom of the cosmos and the cosmic structure itself – revealed through orgasmic relationship with Being.
As if something were directing my thoughts, my mind shifts to neo-Shamanism with its focus on altered states, rather than the focus of Earth Medicine, which is the deeper medicine gathered through connectivity, for the benefit of the community, the land, and all her peoples.
I feel an intense sensation at the tip of my finger. The obkuryuvannya I had lit as offering has burned me. And with that, a tidal wave of re-connection floods through me.
With almost a snicker, Ancient One says, "Pay attention, little one. Be in presence at all times."
I pause, looking at her, and her companions, and experiencing my deep gratitude to be able to feel my place amongst them once again.
"Will you teach me the ways of medicine?" I ask, almost having to catch my breath after the rush of feelings.
"The connection is the medicine," she says. "Re-unite. You must re-unite. The teachings of the past were passed on more easily because the people were more connected with the rest of Gaia and her inhabitants. The language of connection has been lost and must be regained. This is your job.
What you feel is real – the disconnection, and also the teachings. Do not doubt. The medicine you seek to bring to the peoples will be found in the connection."
"What is best for me to study, to deepen and honour the connection, and the path you are calling me into?"
"The teachings of your heart. The medicine is within."
"Please guide me in the heart teachings?" I ask.
"Yes, but for another day. Go home, eat, rest, return another day."
My world has been rocked with turmoil, and in response, a longing for absolute deep quiet and release of stress is urging me to commune with my Teachers. I feel like I am not steering my own life-directions, but rather being pushed and pulled by outside forces. It comes down to boundaries, because at this time I do not feel I am owning my own life, and yet I am fully aware that I am the one giving away the power to steer.
It has been a full day of attempting to be calm and present to the students within a background of administrative distress. I spend ten minutes in the dark communing with Life Blood Tree. Just breathing with her. I am aware of the porch-light seeping in through my closed eye-lids. Distracting. Then, as she continues to breathe with me, and me with her, all becomes very dark, black, deeply quiet inside my mind and in my inner-sight field. Nourishing. Then I hear her voice, imploring me...
"Be the connection to the earth and elements everywhere you go, in everything you do. That is your work. Embody and be Mol'farka, embody Gaia, embody yourself and be true to it all. Be true to your heart."
Nov 11th, 2012
The grey sky matches my mood. Standing with Grandmother Tree, my mind is full of my own story. Weariness. Fragmented. Long hours, not enough time in the forest, barely time to relax.
Wrapping me in her grandmother-energy, she urges, "Breathe into your heart to alleviate the pain. Breathe freely, unlock the tightness, let the energies flow."
I breathe, and nausea fills my stomach.
"There are things you must release. Feel me to the roots and heart and sky – feel me." I am hyper-aware of her nurturing, gentle, matriarchal energy.
Closing my eyes, I drop my awareness to her roots, then heart, then her branches in the sky. The nausea lifts. I look up – her canopy so high, yet overall, she has relatively few branches and needles given her great height. There are many dead branches along the way up.
"Yes, there are things you must give death to along the way. Otherwise it is a waste of resources." She grows quiet, and we stand in silent embrace for a time.
I continue my walk into the deeper forest, through the muck and growing puddles, past the cougar-cliff, toward the two fallen trees and the Counsel of Trees.
Just as I approach the animal-path that takes me toward the Counsel, two dogs bound up the hill of the main walking-path. They are medium large dogs, and I am unable to see their care-taker anywhere nearby. They begin to bark as their companion rounds the corner far away at the bottom of the hill.
Initially, fear courses through my body. I have been bit by dogs in the past, and this memory still lives in my bones and tissues. However, I decide to simply open and greet the dogs with joy. With this shift, they greet me equally joyfully. Within a short time, their companion catches up to them, gathers their collars into hand, and keeps walking. I move discretely onto the animal-path, and hear words in my heart, "Greet all experiences openly."
Each time I have planned something very intentional and specific for myself this weekend, I have encountered delay or something that has caused a change of plans. What does this mean about myself or my energy right now...? Perhaps I need to be much clearer in my direction, yet also find flexibility? I feel like I am in a crucible right now – food for some intense alchemical process. It is not comfortable.
As I enter the Counsel and approach I See You Tree, I notice that the looking-branch now sits 2 feet above my head, where in the summer it was as low as my heart. I continue to be amazed at the movements of these ancient creatures.
Walking to the different emanations of Ma to make offerings and greetings, I connect with One Root, Many Branches. "Dig your foundation deep. Now is the time to grow your foundation stronger. Study, integrate, so that what you offer has more depth."
"What direction do I go in for studies?" I ask.
She replies, "Ask Many Roots, One Path."
At Many Roots, I give gratitude for the offering she made me last time I was with her – a dead vine to take home for burnings. Reaching out to touch her main vine – the one that seems to jump 30 feet into the air and finally lands and twines on her companion's first branch – I feel the cool life-bloods that course through her.
"Even as you perceive me as One Path, if you look closely you will see little branches and vines as offshoots all along my body. There is not just one path you follow, but many. Following the Mol'farka's path is a whole new discipline and will require study. This is what we speak of. Go deeper in these studies."
"Where do I focus my energies – at the college, or out of it?"
Softly, she replies, "Breathe into your heart, ask for a vision. Where does fear cloud your ability to see with a clear heart?"
I breathe for a few moments, feeling the truth in her question.
Nov 13th, 2012
There have been unexpected urgencies at work. What am I to learn from this intensity? What have I ignored that is now screaming out for attention? What within me is asking for healing?
Is this an initiation?
Nov 16th, 2012
It is after midnight – technically the 17th. I am rarely up this late.
I feel restless. I feel like scrambled eggs. It has been an incredibly turbulent few weeks at work, and the intensity has grown rather than diminished. I will ask my Teachers for dreamtime guidance.
Nov 17th, 2012
I awaken to a flurry of creative thoughts. I do not remember my dreamtime. However, something has shifted. Suddenly, clarity is forming... And I have a realization.
Dark Ma is on my side.
The intense experiences seemed like poison in the moment of experiencing them – my mind and heart have been in a frenzy with each added incident – like I was being squeezed.
However, stepping back and letting-go of panic, clear-heart seeing is arising.
And I can see how all of the experiences of this past month are pointing – squeezing – directing – me to the necessary next steps. And though it didn't seem so at first, the growth that will happen by making these changes will actually also be my transitional path. By strengthening my foundation, I will simultaneously be able to step back and fulfill the imperatives of my Teachers.
I had been thinking it was an either/ or situation – that I had to give something up. It is now clear it is an "and" situation. I strengthen my foundation, and I achieve the transition I am being asked to make.
Dark Ma's teachings are exceedingly intense,
and she is on my side.
Nov 18th, 2012
I am at the Sacred Grove, and have greeted my friends Root Ma, Dark Ma and Guardian Ma. I open my heart and pour out the feelings of this past month, and the realizations of yesterday.
I ask for confirmation about my conclusions, “Are my understandings accurate?” In the moment of asking, the sun peeks out from behind the grey clouds, and casts light on my face. I feel a heart warmth and confirmation.
Dark Ma speaks. "This will allow you to step back and into these studies and teachings."
"These have been big lessons. Intense lessons. How can I more gracefully step into them?" I ask. I feel weary from all of the turbulence.
"With clear-heart seeing,” she replies. “Trust that everything you encounter is medicine."
"Is this the price of past arrogance? I have been wondering if I am being "punished" for blindly stepping into roles that I may not have been fully prepared for.”
"No, the teachings you offered needed to be delivered to the people who received them at the time, and in the manner they were given – and you may not have delivered them if you had thought it through. Now you are being asked to transition the teachings to a new form, plus transition your focus and role, because this is the way they must all go forward. That's all.
Follow the impulses that lead you on this path. This is Spirit acting through you.
The teachings you provide will be made even stronger. Trust the process. Feel you heart, trust your heart. It is good."
Knowing our lesson is complete, I walk deeper into the forest. Passing by Turn-in-the-Road Ma, she offers, "This is a turn in the road. Honour it. Do not let this opportunity pass by."
I follow the small animal trail. The forest floor is so lush after the rains. Tiny mushrooms are growing everywhere – so many different varieties. I do not speak their language as yet, though I am drawn to them. I attempt to avoid stepping on them as I walk. The mosses and lichens are perky and raised – they seem so vibrant right now, especially in contrast to the grey wet skies.
I find my way to Cluster Ma. As I connect with her, I am intrigued with the lichen and mosses on her vines as well as on her companion tree. I look up her vines to the huge cluster of branches and leaves above me.
"How do you feel about your students?" she asks.
"They are like my children", I reply. I mean this in the most positive way – I feel a sense of commitment, dedication and heart-connection to them.
"Your connection will not end… Remember them as such – people you are dedicated to. And realise the amount of personal energy that flows out from your heart. Give yourself time, and rest. There will be many who will make the transition with you. Pace your teaching. It will make your presence stronger."
Approaching the Ancient One, I feel a shift – humbled – as I step closer to her. As I make offerings, the companions on and near her – moss, lichen, little mushrooms, spider, companion tree – catch my attention – I am immersed in the interconnections they share.
And then, suddenly, I feel no connection. Not just no connection to Ancient One, but no connection… As if all has gone silent, there is nothing I can sense or feel. No connection to the teachings, or to Gaia, or to others. All of my knowledge feels like it has no value – like there is nothing I have learned. The disconnection feels so utterly complete, that there will be nothing of value for me to learn in the future – nothing to bring to the community of peoples. In this moment, it is like I am swallowed into a void. Not an emptiness full of potential and possibility – rather, an emptiness that is devoid of any and all life, devoid of Spirit. Everything feels “flat,” de-spirited, and I momentarily doubt the validity of receiving teachings from any plant, as if Ma is only inanimate matter.
Then, just as quickly, my mind shifts to neo-Tantra. Its focus is the orgasm – the culmination of prolonged "ecstasy" – rather than the focus of Tantra itself, which is the expanded and interconnected wisdom and consciousness that is embodied in every atom of the cosmos and the cosmic structure itself – revealed through orgasmic relationship with Being.
As if something were directing my thoughts, my mind shifts to neo-Shamanism with its focus on altered states, rather than the focus of Earth Medicine, which is the deeper medicine gathered through connectivity, for the benefit of the community, the land, and all her peoples.
I feel an intense sensation at the tip of my finger. The obkuryuvannya I had lit as offering has burned me. And with that, a tidal wave of re-connection floods through me.
With almost a snicker, Ancient One says, "Pay attention, little one. Be in presence at all times."
I pause, looking at her, and her companions, and experiencing my deep gratitude to be able to feel my place amongst them once again.
"Will you teach me the ways of medicine?" I ask, almost having to catch my breath after the rush of feelings.
"The connection is the medicine," she says. "Re-unite. You must re-unite. The teachings of the past were passed on more easily because the people were more connected with the rest of Gaia and her inhabitants. The language of connection has been lost and must be regained. This is your job.
What you feel is real – the disconnection, and also the teachings. Do not doubt. The medicine you seek to bring to the peoples will be found in the connection."
"What is best for me to study, to deepen and honour the connection, and the path you are calling me into?"
"The teachings of your heart. The medicine is within."
"Please guide me in the heart teachings?" I ask.
"Yes, but for another day. Go home, eat, rest, return another day."
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