June 21st, Solstice, 2013
I stand with Forest Ma soaking in the beauty of this day. She receives my offering and directs me to Pan. As I walk, I feel and remember the strong energy that passed through the inner gate in my belly when I was with the Other this week. It was so intense I could not sleep for many hours. In my sleeplessness, I questioned if I am the person to meet and match his medicine and energies.
The voice of the Forest – the Great Mother – answers me.
"You are stronger than you know. Your energy is wider and deeper than you are aware. These turmoils are surface distractions designed to keep you from deepening your medicines. The ones whom you struggle with know this on some level, and fear your medicine and strength. You are stronger than you realise and are the perfect match for the Other. You must cultivate this medicine. Be willing to go deep."
I arrive at Grandmother Tree, one of the Ancient Ones. As I make offerings, I contemplate freedom of choice – who I have been, and how I have been. I play with an image of encountering the feeling of "no freedom" – no right to have myself, no right to my own body or space. This is a very old story – is it even mine? – and yet it lives in me. I pour from my heart the impact of not spending more time with the Other. I allow the feeling to amplify and transform. It evolves into suffocation, and a dream-image of being overpowered arises – my right to my sexual body space taken away by some unseen force. This feels ancient. It feels other life-time. It feels now.
I continue to trace and follow the imaginary lines in an attempt to understand what lives curled up in my own shadow-force. A scene and understanding unfolds… My life-force is being given away – my shadow prostitutes my heart and energy as a means of survival. In relationships I give away my power, my "no," my centre. Even in work – I give away my work and the fruits of my labour, and by doing so I gave away my integrity, my rights and my needs in order that I do not have to face wrathful energy – darker forces from others that would be overpowering. I do this in order to protect myself from these darker forces.
What did I gain in return in the past? Pseudo affection – being "wanted" or needed – though these rewards were consistently unsatisfying. Pseudo peace – a temporary reprieve from all of the challenges and anger that would be thrown my way. Time to hide-out and not have to show up as my fullness. Better to give myself away first, so as to be in control about it, rather than risk having my centre taken forcefully from me.
When I trade my life-force and power for pseudo-affection and pseudo-peace, I live an illusion of safety.
I have convinced myself that the greater risk is to stand in my power and transform as I know I must. I allow my fears to become true. I have feared (and believed) that transforming myself means I must kill or cut off all who have come to rely on who I have been. I have felt responsible for them, and paradoxically afraid to be killed by them.
Safety – I buy an illusion of safety with my trade-offs.
"Grandmother, how do I transform radically? How do I create my dream? How do I create what I want with the Other without killing off those who have relied on what's been? I do not want to repeat this pattern."
"Pan will have guidance for you, daughter."
I carry these feelings and insights to Pan.
He speaks before I can ask a question. "Vision your life and speak your truth out loud. Do not prostitute yourself any longer.
Do the work that is necessary. You can manifest. You can make the time and energy to manifest your visions. Do what is necessary."
My heart returns to the Other.
"You must love him, and withdraw your energy from any and all circumstances you no longer fit with. Your combined medicine is more powerful than you know. You are here to love each other and birth this medicine into Being."
"How do I withdraw without killing everything off? I am afraid I have to destroy people, relationships, ties in order to release and create." I feel the distress in my heart.
"Vision, and tell others cleanly – speak from your clear heart this true vision. This is the only way."
"What teachings am I to birth into the world at this time, Pan?"
"Follow your heart, you will know. Follow your heart.
And journey with us tonight."
I feel him indicate his feminine counterpart.
Walking to her, I touch and feel her strength and grace. “Ma, please guide me on the teachings I am to birth.”
Her answer is simple. "Vision, journey, conceive the direction. Open yourself to know what is about to be birthed through you.
See the new teachings as a tool. Do not contort your shape. Be genuine in your offerings. Let it grow from there. Attend to the true direction, not the past direction."
I remember words the Other spoke earlier this week. He said the only way through is to love those who challenge us in our lives – those who would oppose our change or growth. Anything else provokes them, provokes our inner drama. Love does not mean giving oneself away. Look into the darkness; do not dramatize it, nor play it, nor bring it into relationship.
June 22nd, 2013
The incessant whine of mosquitoes surrounds me. I remove a string tied to Heart Ma. It is a string I had placed here some weeks ago – a request to bind and protect me from what I perceived as negative forces. I have realised the magic I asked for was not the medicine that was needed. Lighting a match, I burn the string, and instead ask for transformation and support in only the most healthy and loving of ways.
I make more offerings, and then ask Ma for guidance, teachings, help...
"You must move the energy tonight – release your old body as was instructed last weekend. And then vision the new energy body, the new life. And journey. This will be deep and powerful work."
"Is there anything to be aware of as I do this work?"
"Look for the positive as you release."
"The Other?"
"Spend time with him. Make it happen. Make it work."
"Anything else, Mother?"
"Find the vision that lives in your heart, child, and become it. Look into the seeing glass of your heart – the mirror of all creation. Discount none – see it All. Then choose, then choose, then choose..."
"What am I choosing?"
"The bright vision of your journey. Look for the one pathway that your soul alights to. Your heart will know the way."
I leave Ma and wander to the outlook at the end of the path. I hear Ravens caawing, and am surprised when I climb over a knoll to see them standing on the cliff edge only 15 feet from me. I stop, and they look at me and continue to caaw, accepting my presence without fear. They stay for a time, as another Raven circles nearby. Then they all lift off and circle together, calling out. Two Ravens land in a nearby tree, and continue to call in their high pitched voices while the tattered Raven I had seen 2 weeks earlier circles overhead several times. When he finally lands, he joins the caawing with a low pitched and raspy voice. An eagle silently glides overhead and circles just beyond their tree. We all remain in this pattern for ten minutes or more, marveling in each other's presence.
I stand with Forest Ma soaking in the beauty of this day. She receives my offering and directs me to Pan. As I walk, I feel and remember the strong energy that passed through the inner gate in my belly when I was with the Other this week. It was so intense I could not sleep for many hours. In my sleeplessness, I questioned if I am the person to meet and match his medicine and energies.
The voice of the Forest – the Great Mother – answers me.
"You are stronger than you know. Your energy is wider and deeper than you are aware. These turmoils are surface distractions designed to keep you from deepening your medicines. The ones whom you struggle with know this on some level, and fear your medicine and strength. You are stronger than you realise and are the perfect match for the Other. You must cultivate this medicine. Be willing to go deep."
I arrive at Grandmother Tree, one of the Ancient Ones. As I make offerings, I contemplate freedom of choice – who I have been, and how I have been. I play with an image of encountering the feeling of "no freedom" – no right to have myself, no right to my own body or space. This is a very old story – is it even mine? – and yet it lives in me. I pour from my heart the impact of not spending more time with the Other. I allow the feeling to amplify and transform. It evolves into suffocation, and a dream-image of being overpowered arises – my right to my sexual body space taken away by some unseen force. This feels ancient. It feels other life-time. It feels now.
I continue to trace and follow the imaginary lines in an attempt to understand what lives curled up in my own shadow-force. A scene and understanding unfolds… My life-force is being given away – my shadow prostitutes my heart and energy as a means of survival. In relationships I give away my power, my "no," my centre. Even in work – I give away my work and the fruits of my labour, and by doing so I gave away my integrity, my rights and my needs in order that I do not have to face wrathful energy – darker forces from others that would be overpowering. I do this in order to protect myself from these darker forces.
What did I gain in return in the past? Pseudo affection – being "wanted" or needed – though these rewards were consistently unsatisfying. Pseudo peace – a temporary reprieve from all of the challenges and anger that would be thrown my way. Time to hide-out and not have to show up as my fullness. Better to give myself away first, so as to be in control about it, rather than risk having my centre taken forcefully from me.
When I trade my life-force and power for pseudo-affection and pseudo-peace, I live an illusion of safety.
I have convinced myself that the greater risk is to stand in my power and transform as I know I must. I allow my fears to become true. I have feared (and believed) that transforming myself means I must kill or cut off all who have come to rely on who I have been. I have felt responsible for them, and paradoxically afraid to be killed by them.
Safety – I buy an illusion of safety with my trade-offs.
"Grandmother, how do I transform radically? How do I create my dream? How do I create what I want with the Other without killing off those who have relied on what's been? I do not want to repeat this pattern."
"Pan will have guidance for you, daughter."
I carry these feelings and insights to Pan.
He speaks before I can ask a question. "Vision your life and speak your truth out loud. Do not prostitute yourself any longer.
Do the work that is necessary. You can manifest. You can make the time and energy to manifest your visions. Do what is necessary."
My heart returns to the Other.
"You must love him, and withdraw your energy from any and all circumstances you no longer fit with. Your combined medicine is more powerful than you know. You are here to love each other and birth this medicine into Being."
"How do I withdraw without killing everything off? I am afraid I have to destroy people, relationships, ties in order to release and create." I feel the distress in my heart.
"Vision, and tell others cleanly – speak from your clear heart this true vision. This is the only way."
"What teachings am I to birth into the world at this time, Pan?"
"Follow your heart, you will know. Follow your heart.
And journey with us tonight."
I feel him indicate his feminine counterpart.
Walking to her, I touch and feel her strength and grace. “Ma, please guide me on the teachings I am to birth.”
Her answer is simple. "Vision, journey, conceive the direction. Open yourself to know what is about to be birthed through you.
See the new teachings as a tool. Do not contort your shape. Be genuine in your offerings. Let it grow from there. Attend to the true direction, not the past direction."
I remember words the Other spoke earlier this week. He said the only way through is to love those who challenge us in our lives – those who would oppose our change or growth. Anything else provokes them, provokes our inner drama. Love does not mean giving oneself away. Look into the darkness; do not dramatize it, nor play it, nor bring it into relationship.
June 22nd, 2013
The incessant whine of mosquitoes surrounds me. I remove a string tied to Heart Ma. It is a string I had placed here some weeks ago – a request to bind and protect me from what I perceived as negative forces. I have realised the magic I asked for was not the medicine that was needed. Lighting a match, I burn the string, and instead ask for transformation and support in only the most healthy and loving of ways.
I make more offerings, and then ask Ma for guidance, teachings, help...
"You must move the energy tonight – release your old body as was instructed last weekend. And then vision the new energy body, the new life. And journey. This will be deep and powerful work."
"Is there anything to be aware of as I do this work?"
"Look for the positive as you release."
"The Other?"
"Spend time with him. Make it happen. Make it work."
"Anything else, Mother?"
"Find the vision that lives in your heart, child, and become it. Look into the seeing glass of your heart – the mirror of all creation. Discount none – see it All. Then choose, then choose, then choose..."
"What am I choosing?"
"The bright vision of your journey. Look for the one pathway that your soul alights to. Your heart will know the way."
I leave Ma and wander to the outlook at the end of the path. I hear Ravens caawing, and am surprised when I climb over a knoll to see them standing on the cliff edge only 15 feet from me. I stop, and they look at me and continue to caaw, accepting my presence without fear. They stay for a time, as another Raven circles nearby. Then they all lift off and circle together, calling out. Two Ravens land in a nearby tree, and continue to call in their high pitched voices while the tattered Raven I had seen 2 weeks earlier circles overhead several times. When he finally lands, he joins the caawing with a low pitched and raspy voice. An eagle silently glides overhead and circles just beyond their tree. We all remain in this pattern for ten minutes or more, marveling in each other's presence.
No comments:
Post a Comment