June
3, 2017
I took a very short moment with Tree and
Parted Lips Tree. I expressed how tired
I am of feeling tired – that I need to find balance, time to be spacious as I
once was or at least to find a balance of time – and that brought to mind my
financials.
“I am truly tired of wondering where the
next meal will come from, or gas for the truck… Where can I find the answer to
this dilemma?” I asked.
“Look within”, they replied in unison.
“The answer is within.”
June
4, 2017
I am looking for Ma on the property – I
miss her presence. I spoke to Nursing
Mother. "Go back to the cabin. Cook dinner, do chores if you are unable to
concentrate on your true work. Come
later (when you can be present).” I
paused, thought. The Other will be home
soon, and so “later” will be much later, and I will be far too tired at that
time. “No, I will go and do my work now,
as I have been called to,” I replied.
Nearby, I find bones of a deer – they
will sit in an natural shrine I am making at the entrance to the fields, in a
stump with gnarled roots that are exposed and look like driftwood.
As I walk, I wonder if this is my
punishment for not making more time to visit Ma where we were living previously
– to now find myself in her absence.
“Soon enough,” I hear the trees whisper.
“With some work, when it is time, she will make herself known. She is (always) near. You will need to do some work.”
Whisper…
They whisper. Nursing Mother
whispers as I walk on, “Now, now you are stepping into your work. Now you are initiating yourself here. She (who you seek) is within.”
“Look within,” Tree said yesterday. “The answer lies within.”
Another bone – skull of deer. Walking through the forest, I hear the
whispers, “Look, listen, she is near.
Twining, twining – in your heart.
She is twining.”
A curious red plant, dainty, like
asparagus, rises out of the forest floor.
It is smooth and succulent.
“Blood of the Earth,” she says to me.
“Let the forest claim you. It is
your home. You are being swallowed by
her. This too is your home.”
I suddenly feel an urge to void – and so
decide to go to the shrine. I exit the
forest, find the shrine roots, place all the bones within the nooks, and then
ask permission to leave the journey in order to go to the outhouse and return
later with offerings and smoke-herbs.
“No,” the Trees speak to me. “Learn to control even the body
urges.” And so I do. I pull out tobacco and offer it to the ground
and tuck it into one of the shrine nooks.
I make smoke offerings, and speak to the Spirits of this place.
“Ancient one, entities on this land, I
ask you to guard our work here in this place.”
Addressing the shrine roots, I ask, “Please guard us and our work
here.” I carry the smoke herbs with me
to the entrance of the field, still speaking to the unseen ones, “Please help
us with our work here.” I look at the
potential if this site and see through imaginal eyes the herb and flower
gardens, the food fields, and the site for the yurt. Then I look at the neighbour’s fields that
form the majority of this bowl-shaped valley, and the small lake at the far
end. As I turn once again to the main
path that leads to the yurt and field-site as well as the forest paths, I see a
Panther Amanita. This is the first I
have seen here on this property.
As I complete, I walk back along the
same forest route, and find more bones – one of which is very gnawed. I still feel my “missing” of Ma. The forest speaks, “She is not here, but YOU
are. And she is (within) you.
Stone & bone…
Stone & bone…
This forest has memory, and your job
here, as elsewhere on this land, is to awaken that memory – of the Great
Feminine.”
Later in the day, in a momentary
conversation with the Father Tree outside of the cabin, he reminded me, “It is
your work to be her – to embody her…
She is near…
She is here…” And I feel as if he
is touching my heart.
June
8, 2017
Bad, ill winds… Look for the signs.
A few days ago I found a wood/ forest
tick on my inner thigh. My mind
immediately thought of spirit attack or invasion. Though nothing was obvious or amiss around
me, my strong sense was that this was a conscious attack. I always wear long pants, socks, boots, and
so on. The location of the tick seemed
odd. On the same day, the owner’s ailing
elder rooster began sleeping on the wooden platform that extends from our cabin
front windows. And, we also received an email from a person connected to the
dark sorcerers at one of the former farms we lived at. Yesterday, during errands, we noticed that
there was chaos on the roads and downtown – distracted drivers, near-miss
accidents, people edgy with one another, misunderstandings, misperceptions,
more criss-cross lines with the sorcerers.
Then later, the former landlord drove by our parked truck and circled
around the building, twice, seemingly looking for us.
Immediately, my step-daughter began to
feel unwell. She is highly sensitive to
these energies. We went home, got her to
bed and prepared for sleep ourselves. My
husband crawled into bed as I finished the last of the chores. As I walked outside to the outhouse, the
warm, erratic winds were blowing. I paused
with Tree. “Relax,” she said. “Let go…
Let go… You must let the tensions
release. For both of your well-being,
you must consciously relax and release.”
I went inside, and as I close up for the
night, a strange scratching noise on the window begins. I look.
There are no discernible branches scraping on the windows. But it persisted.
Then, my step-daughter, extremely
restless, cries out. And our cat becomes restless. I let him out as the Other attends to his
daughter. We all lay down and attempt to
sleep. Winds, sporadic and gusty,
blow. The screeching scratchy noise
starts again. The child cries out
jibberish in her sleep. We feel currents
of negativity floating through.
Then hot flashes strike through my body,
relentless, non-stop. The winds die
down, all seems calm, and then within another 15 to 20 minutes, everything
starts again. This continues for many
hours. During the small intervals of
seeming calm, I fall into fitful dreams.
And I know there are spirit intrusions because the dreams are about the
Other being seduced back to drinking. [At
the sorcery-farm, one of the main spells cast on him was drinking, which left
him open to spirit intruders and spirit possession. The sorcerers also influenced the
nature-entities on the land to do negative work for them.] These dreams arise when criss-cross lines,
negative intentions and spells are being thrown our way.
On and on through the night, in definite
cycles, the winds and sounds, dreams and waking continued. We did not sleep until the wee hours of the
morning, when finally, the crowing of the rooster outside of the window seemed
to break the cycle. When, in the
morning, we assessed what plants and items had been thrown about by the winds,
only those things of meaning or income production had been affected. All else was as if nothing had happened.
To many, these might seem as a series of
unfortunate yet normal coincidences.
With “other seeing eyes”, these are signs of ill-winds, and the forces
and spirits carried on those winds.
The next day, as emotions and events
calmed, we met a woman randomly at the laundromat who also had had interactions
with the former landlord, and who had also experienced his psychosis. Her words were a sympathetic force to help
untangle the forces of the previous day and night.
June
11, 2017
Last night, in my time with Nursing Mother,
I asked for guidance to help heal the 3 year old within me. I am aware that the 3 year old is sometimes
quite triggered by the Other, which spirals us into arguments and discord. I cannot change him, but I can address
her. Nursing Mother said, “Who are
you? Who is the 3 year old? Do you know
her?”
I listed all the things I know about her:
“She is the holder of power and magic, the sorceress, the joyful, playful one…
I know I cannot eradicate her, nor do I want to – I value her. I just don’t know how best to heal her.”
I began to walk and came to the Father Tree
next to the outhouse. He said, “You must
honour her. Spend time in the forest,
nature walks, the magical, the Teachings.
This is healing to her and honours her both.”
Tonight, I prayed for a young woman I am
working with, and for my youngest son – I asked for help in being support to
each of them. And I know that healing my
own 3 year old is part of this.
I make offering of smoke herbs, watching
the smoke waft to my forehead when my thoughts are positive and aligned, and
away from my forehead when they are not.
It is time now, to begin preparations for the Prayer Fire. To give energy to my work, to the Medicine,
rather than to perceived demands.
June
21, 2017
Two days before Prayer Fire.
I am at the “yurt site”. Only, it will not come to pass. We have been invited by another to come live
on a new, shared property. We will shift
again, soon.
I light the smoke herbs and address the
bowl-valley and fields that were holding our visions and intentions. “The yurt will not come to pass in this
place. I come to offer my farewells and
ask that I be held in this space until such time that we leave. I ask that this be sacred ritual space.”
I approach the West Elder Tree with the
smoke. He speaks, “You are
received. You are received…” I feel his sadness – something that will not
come to pass. Again, a missing – the
loss of honouring all he has welcomed as vision. He speaks again, “From death will come
life. From death will be life.” I walk to the Nursing Mother and offer smoke. “Honour your (other) Elder,” she
directs. I walk to the East Elder Tree,
and look up. A trail of carpenter ants
are drawing material from a large, gaping wood-pecker hole.
“Death… Death… It is time to take your
leave. It is time. It is time to go.”
I walk to Nursing Mother and ask her
support for the Prayer Fire, and as a helper for holding ritual space. She said, “Of course.”
I thought of Ma, and her absence on this
property, and understood the duality – that she is not here, I am not to remain
here; and that in her absence, I am She – the one who representsss. So, as I sat with Nursing Mother, her
instructions were clear:
“You have not done as you were
instructed [going for walks, taking more time for self-care…].
Death will come before your time. You must do as we instruct. Now, in this move, you MUST do as we have
instructed. Now is the time. Now is the time. For time will take its toll otherwise, and
you will not grow as you must and are needed to.”
I ask about how best to leave here. Nursing Mother offers, “The owner will be
happy, relieved.”
“And the planted field, with all the
produce?” I ask. “Show her what you are
doing. Educate her,” she replies.
“What about protecting the field and
plants?” I ask. She replies, “Your work
(already) is that protection,
Relax. All will be well.”
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