Mar 9th, 2013
I stand with Many Roots, One Path, and pour my heart hurt to her.
"Why do I struggle with these boundaries? Why is it so difficult?" I feel the anguish and hear the inner words – I just want to be respected. And then I know it is she, the child. And it is not anyone else's job to respect her, it is mine.
My hand still resting on Many Roots, an inner dialogue ensues. What does respect mean in this case? It means respecting she is a child and that I must put up healthy boundaries... Who will love this child? I will. Loving her is not subjecting her to unhealthy boundaries and situations. It is respecting her needs.
What kind of boundaries do I need? This is a deeper question for me. If I am not wanting anything from another, and I am not attempting to steal anyone's energy – if I do not need someone to emotionally "take care of me," then my boundaries are simply one of choice: with whom and how do I choose to cultivate connection?
If, on the other hand, I slip into being the child – identifying with her – "needing" respect, love, acceptance or something else from others, then in those moments I need to create boundaries in order to make sure that I am – that she feels – respected, loved, and in an appropriate relationship.
As I feel these things, a little brown squirrel hops onto a nearby fallen tree. He looks at me for a moment, then scampers off. Perhaps 20 feet away, he climbs part-way up a tree and begins yelling at me.
I pause to understand. I am in his territory and was, at first, too close for him – he needed to create some distance in order for him to then express his disdain with me being in his territory. How is this a mirror of my own life?
One Root Many Paths finally speaks up, interrupting my thoughts. "Gracefully observe what happens tonight, and then speak your boundaries and needs if needed.”
She pauses for emphasis. “There are many choices. All roads lead to the same destination. Which do you want to travel? What do you want to experience? Open your heart to it. Open your heart to the love you know is there, the love you seek to experience and express."
At that moment, a little brown bird appears only a few feet from me, hopping in the underbrush.
"How do I open in this way to another?" I ask.
"Close one door energetically – the door that keeps you limited and fearful – and open another," she says. "You know your nature – it does not work to keep all doors open. This is simple, follow your nature. What are you afraid of?"
"That I will not hold my boundaries," I say.
"Then you will know pain," she returns.
I gather a bundle of dead vines the forest floor has offered me, and turn to be on my way. The vines snag in a small bush, and I untangle myself. They snag again, this time in a longer branch – as if reaching out to say, "Hey, you forgot something!"
I reach into my Ladanka for offerings and thanks for the vines, and proceed, without getting caught, on my way.
Mar 16th, 2013
Rounding the corner, my eyes meet Little Ma. My heart is happy to see her! She is sprouting new leaves and vines out of last years' growth, building on the foundation of what was, yet also growing in new directions.
I express my desires for what is building – the teachings that are emerging, and the transition of my path as teacher.
Her new shoots show me how I can build on what was, yet begin anew.
Mar 10th, 2013
It is deep in the night, and it has been a restless night. I turn on my side and face the wall where my light switch is. As I partially open my eyes, I see two lights glowing, one of which moves. At first it moves like a spirit, and then it appears like a star in the sky being occluded by a tree moving in the wind.
Mar 13th, 2013
Driving to the college in the early morning traffic, I pass a light post. Hawk sits on the top of the post, and I see Crow dive-bomb Hawk. Instantly I feel a message from the Crow Molfar...
"Second-sight, intuition and inner vision must over-ride and over-take your "hawk vision." You are hyper-focused on physical reality and detail.
Let second sight become your dominant sight."
Mar 19th, 2013
Something shifts in me. In the long line of traffic driving to school, my mood suddenly sinks into a pool of hurt and pain. Something old has been triggered.
As I step out of the car, Crow is on the sidewalk. He begins to caaw loudly, insistently. I stand still, look at him, and then speak softly to him. "I hear you, Father..." A balm flows into and through my heart.
Mar 23rd, 2013
My eyes open. It is a quiet morning. Instead of getting out of bed, I sit up and decide to journey instead.
"You are to shed your skin as "ordinary human". Shed your skin – shed all you have known yourself to be. The skin spots are your way of shedding all of this, and rebuilding yourself. You are rebuilding your Mol'farka's skin. You are to fully commit to and become Mol'farka – in all habits and ways. Food, lifestyle, thinking, behaviour, ways of seeing... And then hold the shape of this new body and being in all circumstances. You cannot take on a lover until this happens. Look at how you struggle now, with these changes in your life. If you had a lover, would you have gone on this journey this morning? Be the Mol'farka, establish your foundation as the Dark Mother showed you, and then take on a partner who will know you in that skin. Who will respect and support you in these ways."
Slowly, gently, I return to the room and my bed. The
household is still quiet, and I am ready to start my day.
~*~
I am at the border between the Sacred and Deeper Groves, leaning on a tree, asking for medicine. A dull headache distracts me in the background. My stomach has felt “off” for days. I prefer my simple foods and quiet lifestyle. Of this I am more and more clear.
A hawk flies silently overhead.
I look up at one of the Coiled Ones. This grouping feels male to me.
"Eat me," he says.
He wraps himself up the trunk of his companion tree, seeming to weigh down the top with his mass. And he makes miraculous leaps 15-20 feet to nearby trees, occupying three different tree-top homes.
I look at his accessible leaves. They are old and leathery. I decide to wait – my tummy will not easily digest these old leaves.
Branches creak as a gentle breeze blows.
After a few more moments with the trees and Coiled Ones, I approach Heart Ma and make offerings. We grow silent together. Hawk continues to circle quietly over the Grove. It takes some time but I then understand, this – this silence – is the medicine I am seeking.
Raven calls from some far off place.
I walk to Ancient Ma, make her an offering, and connect, my eyes closing to feel her. I am holding her and feel a bump. My fingers run over it a few times. It comes off and I open my eyes to see I have dislodged a young shoot that was coming out of her vine. I apologise, and do not let it go to waste – popping it quickly into my mouth.
I ask her, "What medicine am I to take to the people?"
She replies, "You must grow stronger to carry this medicine."
"In what way, Mother?"
"In your heart, body, and mind – in all ways. Shed your skin. Grow your Mol'farka's body."
"What is this medicine I am to carry?"
"Our teachings, our ways."
"How do I grow stronger?"
"You know the path, you know the life. Are you willing to be radical? You are being called...
You must go home, clear your heart, clear your head, and dedicate yourself. It is simple when you are alone. It will not be as simple when you are living with others. This is your test."
Mar 24th, 2013
Today was a struggle. I walk to the forest to clear my heart and mind. As I enter the roadway that leads to Forest Ma, I read a sign "Cougar in area..." This somehow seems fitting.
Arriving at Forest Ma and Little Ma, I ask for insight and help. Feeling conversations from this morning, I pour them from my heart.
Forest Ma does not waste any time – she dives into her teachings.
"You cannot take on and off your role like clothing. Growing your new Mol'farka skin is complete – at all times you are in this role. It is a different way to be, it is a different way to see, and it is 100%. You must be certain this is what you want."
I step back from her and notice two other emanations of Ma I have not seen before – on either side of her. Clearly something has shifted in me, that they are revealing themselves to me now. I am still in awe of how this works. For all of the time I have spent visiting Forest Ma, how could I not have seen these other emanations until now?
From Forest Ma's height, thickness and bark, she seems to be the eldest. I approach one of the newly discovered Ma's and ask to take a young shoot to ingest her. She is bitter and a little spicy.
I feel my morning interactions once again. Being 100% in my Mol'farka's skin... I try and feel what that would be like.
The new vine remains quiet, and instead, Forest Ma calls to me. "You would say what needs to be said without attachment to outcome because you are delivering medicine. Or you would say nothing and not be affected by the moods of those around you. Or you would give back to the other what is his or hers, and you would do this by no action of your own – just let it bounce back (imagine using a mirror as tool). You do not have to be an open bleeding heart and take everything that comes your way into you. You do have to be an open space, no stickiness in what comes through or around you, and what you give out."
Mar 25th, 2013
I am in the ocean. Though I am standing near the shore, the water is simultaneously deep and shallow. Whales are chasing me, mouths gaping open, ready to bite or swallow me. We begin moving around some towering central shape – a pillar or altar of some sort. Somehow, I am able to start a Prayer Fire in the water. The whales stop chasing me.
Mar 28th, 2013
Am I willing to be radical? Second sight came strongly today.
We are sitting in morning circle. A student shares that she had journeyed to a power animal two nights before. I see the animal through her body – a large cat, jaguar or panther. I refrain from saying this – it is her story to share. As she finishes speaking, I see her wearing feathers around her neck – green and peachy-orange. Another image is superimposed – that of an Amazonian medicine man's face – and the same feathers comprise his head-dress. He is squinting, and his eyes seem to penetrate deeply into my own. I am startled, and pull myself out. It is difficult to formulate my words at first to address the students.
I felt tempted to connect more deeply with him, and yet felt the simultaneous pull to show up in my duties in that moment – to be teaching. Radical...? This will take some work. How will I fully inhabit the Mol'farka's skin and second-sight while negotiating day-to-day duties? May my Teachers guide me well in this process…
I stand with Many Roots, One Path, and pour my heart hurt to her.
"Why do I struggle with these boundaries? Why is it so difficult?" I feel the anguish and hear the inner words – I just want to be respected. And then I know it is she, the child. And it is not anyone else's job to respect her, it is mine.
My hand still resting on Many Roots, an inner dialogue ensues. What does respect mean in this case? It means respecting she is a child and that I must put up healthy boundaries... Who will love this child? I will. Loving her is not subjecting her to unhealthy boundaries and situations. It is respecting her needs.
What kind of boundaries do I need? This is a deeper question for me. If I am not wanting anything from another, and I am not attempting to steal anyone's energy – if I do not need someone to emotionally "take care of me," then my boundaries are simply one of choice: with whom and how do I choose to cultivate connection?
If, on the other hand, I slip into being the child – identifying with her – "needing" respect, love, acceptance or something else from others, then in those moments I need to create boundaries in order to make sure that I am – that she feels – respected, loved, and in an appropriate relationship.
As I feel these things, a little brown squirrel hops onto a nearby fallen tree. He looks at me for a moment, then scampers off. Perhaps 20 feet away, he climbs part-way up a tree and begins yelling at me.
I pause to understand. I am in his territory and was, at first, too close for him – he needed to create some distance in order for him to then express his disdain with me being in his territory. How is this a mirror of my own life?
One Root Many Paths finally speaks up, interrupting my thoughts. "Gracefully observe what happens tonight, and then speak your boundaries and needs if needed.”
She pauses for emphasis. “There are many choices. All roads lead to the same destination. Which do you want to travel? What do you want to experience? Open your heart to it. Open your heart to the love you know is there, the love you seek to experience and express."
At that moment, a little brown bird appears only a few feet from me, hopping in the underbrush.
"How do I open in this way to another?" I ask.
"Close one door energetically – the door that keeps you limited and fearful – and open another," she says. "You know your nature – it does not work to keep all doors open. This is simple, follow your nature. What are you afraid of?"
"That I will not hold my boundaries," I say.
"Then you will know pain," she returns.
I gather a bundle of dead vines the forest floor has offered me, and turn to be on my way. The vines snag in a small bush, and I untangle myself. They snag again, this time in a longer branch – as if reaching out to say, "Hey, you forgot something!"
I reach into my Ladanka for offerings and thanks for the vines, and proceed, without getting caught, on my way.
Mar 16th, 2013
Rounding the corner, my eyes meet Little Ma. My heart is happy to see her! She is sprouting new leaves and vines out of last years' growth, building on the foundation of what was, yet also growing in new directions.
I express my desires for what is building – the teachings that are emerging, and the transition of my path as teacher.
Her new shoots show me how I can build on what was, yet begin anew.
Mar 10th, 2013
It is deep in the night, and it has been a restless night. I turn on my side and face the wall where my light switch is. As I partially open my eyes, I see two lights glowing, one of which moves. At first it moves like a spirit, and then it appears like a star in the sky being occluded by a tree moving in the wind.
Something “thuds”
downstairs. It sounds like a door
was closed suddenly. My heart jumps, and I now feel very awake. Concerned, I wait... A car door closes.
It sounds so nearby. Is
someone in my car?
Panic begins to rise in my body as
I hear a car engine starting, just barely audible. No car
lights are on. I wait again. No real sound... Then I hear
a car at the bottom of the driveway as it rolls over the gravel and enters the
road. It’s as if the car had been
silently rolled down the driveway, no lights, so as not to awaken me.
Panic continues to rise. As
I attempt to rouse myself to go to the window to look, two things happen
simultaneously. A cat-like animal jumps on the bed. Its fur brushes
against my skin, and the weight of its body depresses the mattress. A
half-growl emerges from its scraggly, long furred body. And, at the same
moment, a man emerges from his home across the street and is yelling toward the
car – yelling about someone taking his car.
My body is paralysed, and I sense
from the presence of the cat that I am in the dark-spirit realm – either the
spirits or the Dark Molfar has entered my dream-reality – or, perhaps I entered his realm? I momentarily struggle, and
then manage to pull myself out and truly awake. As my mind clears, I
realise my first clue should have been the lights. He always screws with the lights...
Mar 13th, 2013
Driving to the college in the early morning traffic, I pass a light post. Hawk sits on the top of the post, and I see Crow dive-bomb Hawk. Instantly I feel a message from the Crow Molfar...
"Second-sight, intuition and inner vision must over-ride and over-take your "hawk vision." You are hyper-focused on physical reality and detail.
Let second sight become your dominant sight."
Mar 19th, 2013
Something shifts in me. In the long line of traffic driving to school, my mood suddenly sinks into a pool of hurt and pain. Something old has been triggered.
As I step out of the car, Crow is on the sidewalk. He begins to caaw loudly, insistently. I stand still, look at him, and then speak softly to him. "I hear you, Father..." A balm flows into and through my heart.
Mar 23rd, 2013
My eyes open. It is a quiet morning. Instead of getting out of bed, I sit up and decide to journey instead.
As I close my eyes, I see myself
walking to Heart Ma, in the Deeper Grove. When I arrive and touch her
base, she sends me to see Dark Ma and Guardian Ma at the Sacred Grove. I
have not journeyed with them in some time. As I arrive, I make offerings
and enter the portal at Guardian Ma's base. I feel like I am entering a
small cave that houses Dark Ma.
I greet Dark Ma, and she
transports me to the top of an incredibly high mountain. Snow is
everywhere, and as I look around at all of the mountains surrounding the one I
stand on, I am struck by the stunning sunrise sky... It is intensely cold
– the air is dry and crisp. I wonder where I am. She whispers I am
somewhere in Siberia.
As I look down at my feet, there
is only snow and isolation. I am keenly aware of how alone I am here.
She whispers again, "Do
not simply be attracted to the amazing sights and great heights when in pursuit
of love. It may appear spectacular, but the reality of where your feet
are planted will be isolated and cold."
Dark Ma then transports me to a
stream in a forest, with a house next to the stream. The forest is green
and lush, the stream is gentle.
Everything seems so "alive" here. As I walk into the
house, the interior is far from finished. The house is simply a shell of
outer walls with a skeleton of inner walls on the inside.
"Do not be fooled by outer
appearances... What you seek is not here."
She then brings me to a field,
surrounded by forest. "What will you construct?" she
asks.
I imagine my dream home made of
earthen-cob, with soft curves. It feels
alive, fresh, natural. She shows me a short set of stairs at the base.
"This is your foundation," she says.
I ask, "Will I know love, a
partner?"
She points to the foundation and
stairs again.
The journey with Dark Ma ends, and
I find myself in the Sacred Grove again. I walk back to the Deeper Grove
and seek Crow Molfar. He sits, waiting, up in a tree top. I want to
journey with him again regarding the spots of eczema on my skin. I am now
growing two additional spots. I may end up looking like a leopard
soon... I ask his help so I can better understand.
Crow Molfar calls me to join him
in the tree top.
"You need a better
perspective," he says.
The tree-tops are lush, mobile,
and green like the forest floor. We sit and sway in the trees, a gentle
breeze rustling through. Then he takes me in his cloak and we emerge at a
cabin with an old doctor. We are at the foot of mountains.
The doctor examines my hand and my
spots. He looks at my palm intently, reading the lines. My hand
seems a bit puffy, and he puts two acupuncture needles under my index finger
and near the webbing of the thumb. He says I need to work on and connect
these gateways or portals of energy. He then puts a paste on the spots –
I do not know what the paste is made of.
It smells pungent, bitter, strong.
As the doctor completes, Crow
Molfar carries me to a woman. I do not
know exactly where I am. All that is
clear is that we are in a forest. She transmits her message to me in
images and whispered words.
"You are to shed your skin as "ordinary human". Shed your skin – shed all you have known yourself to be. The skin spots are your way of shedding all of this, and rebuilding yourself. You are rebuilding your Mol'farka's skin. You are to fully commit to and become Mol'farka – in all habits and ways. Food, lifestyle, thinking, behaviour, ways of seeing... And then hold the shape of this new body and being in all circumstances. You cannot take on a lover until this happens. Look at how you struggle now, with these changes in your life. If you had a lover, would you have gone on this journey this morning? Be the Mol'farka, establish your foundation as the Dark Mother showed you, and then take on a partner who will know you in that skin. Who will respect and support you in these ways."
The message complete, Crow Molfar
returns me to the Deeper Grove.
~*~
I am at the border between the Sacred and Deeper Groves, leaning on a tree, asking for medicine. A dull headache distracts me in the background. My stomach has felt “off” for days. I prefer my simple foods and quiet lifestyle. Of this I am more and more clear.
A hawk flies silently overhead.
I look up at one of the Coiled Ones. This grouping feels male to me.
"Eat me," he says.
He wraps himself up the trunk of his companion tree, seeming to weigh down the top with his mass. And he makes miraculous leaps 15-20 feet to nearby trees, occupying three different tree-top homes.
I look at his accessible leaves. They are old and leathery. I decide to wait – my tummy will not easily digest these old leaves.
Branches creak as a gentle breeze blows.
After a few more moments with the trees and Coiled Ones, I approach Heart Ma and make offerings. We grow silent together. Hawk continues to circle quietly over the Grove. It takes some time but I then understand, this – this silence – is the medicine I am seeking.
Raven calls from some far off place.
I walk to Ancient Ma, make her an offering, and connect, my eyes closing to feel her. I am holding her and feel a bump. My fingers run over it a few times. It comes off and I open my eyes to see I have dislodged a young shoot that was coming out of her vine. I apologise, and do not let it go to waste – popping it quickly into my mouth.
I ask her, "What medicine am I to take to the people?"
She replies, "You must grow stronger to carry this medicine."
"In what way, Mother?"
"In your heart, body, and mind – in all ways. Shed your skin. Grow your Mol'farka's body."
"What is this medicine I am to carry?"
"Our teachings, our ways."
"How do I grow stronger?"
"You know the path, you know the life. Are you willing to be radical? You are being called...
You must go home, clear your heart, clear your head, and dedicate yourself. It is simple when you are alone. It will not be as simple when you are living with others. This is your test."
Mar 24th, 2013
Today was a struggle. I walk to the forest to clear my heart and mind. As I enter the roadway that leads to Forest Ma, I read a sign "Cougar in area..." This somehow seems fitting.
Arriving at Forest Ma and Little Ma, I ask for insight and help. Feeling conversations from this morning, I pour them from my heart.
Forest Ma does not waste any time – she dives into her teachings.
"You cannot take on and off your role like clothing. Growing your new Mol'farka skin is complete – at all times you are in this role. It is a different way to be, it is a different way to see, and it is 100%. You must be certain this is what you want."
I step back from her and notice two other emanations of Ma I have not seen before – on either side of her. Clearly something has shifted in me, that they are revealing themselves to me now. I am still in awe of how this works. For all of the time I have spent visiting Forest Ma, how could I not have seen these other emanations until now?
From Forest Ma's height, thickness and bark, she seems to be the eldest. I approach one of the newly discovered Ma's and ask to take a young shoot to ingest her. She is bitter and a little spicy.
I feel my morning interactions once again. Being 100% in my Mol'farka's skin... I try and feel what that would be like.
The new vine remains quiet, and instead, Forest Ma calls to me. "You would say what needs to be said without attachment to outcome because you are delivering medicine. Or you would say nothing and not be affected by the moods of those around you. Or you would give back to the other what is his or hers, and you would do this by no action of your own – just let it bounce back (imagine using a mirror as tool). You do not have to be an open bleeding heart and take everything that comes your way into you. You do have to be an open space, no stickiness in what comes through or around you, and what you give out."
Mar 25th, 2013
I am in the ocean. Though I am standing near the shore, the water is simultaneously deep and shallow. Whales are chasing me, mouths gaping open, ready to bite or swallow me. We begin moving around some towering central shape – a pillar or altar of some sort. Somehow, I am able to start a Prayer Fire in the water. The whales stop chasing me.
Mar 28th, 2013
Am I willing to be radical? Second sight came strongly today.
We are sitting in morning circle. A student shares that she had journeyed to a power animal two nights before. I see the animal through her body – a large cat, jaguar or panther. I refrain from saying this – it is her story to share. As she finishes speaking, I see her wearing feathers around her neck – green and peachy-orange. Another image is superimposed – that of an Amazonian medicine man's face – and the same feathers comprise his head-dress. He is squinting, and his eyes seem to penetrate deeply into my own. I am startled, and pull myself out. It is difficult to formulate my words at first to address the students.
I felt tempted to connect more deeply with him, and yet felt the simultaneous pull to show up in my duties in that moment – to be teaching. Radical...? This will take some work. How will I fully inhabit the Mol'farka's skin and second-sight while negotiating day-to-day duties? May my Teachers guide me well in this process…
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