July 4, 2013
After the one-whom-I-struggle-with asked me to bathe because I smelled of smoke, I was angry. I agreed for today so that I could avoid the hours of confrontation and argument. In the tub, the soap bubbles looked like the Other's Shadow-form. This transformed into a fire-breathing dragon. I knew he was sending me the strength of the warrior spirit.
Later, Raccoon and Jay visited while the one-whom-I-struggle-with was saying "do away with boundaries." I said it was not practical -- boundaries, for me, are about needs and honouring these needs. Of course, this would not prevent him from being violent -- however, the boundaries are important to me. His words are intended to be coercive, not from his "higher self" as he is suggesting.
I went to Heart Ma. She was relatively quiet. Her only words:
"Live in your heart, child. You must live in your heart."
The mosquitoes began to gather, and I lost concentration. I left and walked to Life Path Ma. After greetings, I acknowledged that the forest is my guide and Teacher, and wondered if she would at least offer me some support.
I expressed my dilemma (feeling like I have not been clear/ true to my heart because I have not fully or successfully expressed my boundaries in a way that can be heard, and have given-in (bathing) because it was easier than fighting). Her first words:
"You must know what you want. Be clear about what you want. This is your work tonight. Give yourself permission to do this work. Do your medicine work.
Use your instincts plus your intellect for the dissolution of the business. And magic. It is possible for it to benefit both of you, though the one-you-struggle-with may not see it at first."
I reflected on how I bent myself out of my natural shape and did what I didn't want to do. This was a good lesson -- I gave myself away.
I thought about the Other's words -- "do not make the same prison with me." It is not healthy for me to live two lives. I need to have someplace, someone, where I can be fully real, fully myself. We can create that kind of relationship. "Imagine," he said, "what we can do if we bring our medicine together."
After the one-whom-I-struggle-with asked me to bathe because I smelled of smoke, I was angry. I agreed for today so that I could avoid the hours of confrontation and argument. In the tub, the soap bubbles looked like the Other's Shadow-form. This transformed into a fire-breathing dragon. I knew he was sending me the strength of the warrior spirit.
Later, Raccoon and Jay visited while the one-whom-I-struggle-with was saying "do away with boundaries." I said it was not practical -- boundaries, for me, are about needs and honouring these needs. Of course, this would not prevent him from being violent -- however, the boundaries are important to me. His words are intended to be coercive, not from his "higher self" as he is suggesting.
I went to Heart Ma. She was relatively quiet. Her only words:
"Live in your heart, child. You must live in your heart."
The mosquitoes began to gather, and I lost concentration. I left and walked to Life Path Ma. After greetings, I acknowledged that the forest is my guide and Teacher, and wondered if she would at least offer me some support.
I expressed my dilemma (feeling like I have not been clear/ true to my heart because I have not fully or successfully expressed my boundaries in a way that can be heard, and have given-in (bathing) because it was easier than fighting). Her first words:
"You must know what you want. Be clear about what you want. This is your work tonight. Give yourself permission to do this work. Do your medicine work.
Use your instincts plus your intellect for the dissolution of the business. And magic. It is possible for it to benefit both of you, though the one-you-struggle-with may not see it at first."
I reflected on how I bent myself out of my natural shape and did what I didn't want to do. This was a good lesson -- I gave myself away.
I thought about the Other's words -- "do not make the same prison with me." It is not healthy for me to live two lives. I need to have someplace, someone, where I can be fully real, fully myself. We can create that kind of relationship. "Imagine," he said, "what we can do if we bring our medicine together."
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