Apr 27th, 2013
The college teaching season is almost complete. It is mid-morning, and I am taking a momentary break to go to the bathroom while the students are busy with an exercise. On my return I peek into an adjacent room where some of our programs are also taught. Little Mishka – mouse – is dying on the floor.
I walk over and stoop to pet him. As I lift my hand away from his body, he crawls toward me. I pick him up and bring him to the potted plants in the covered outdoor foyer, hoping at least he will have a bit of time in "nature" to die in peace. Returning to the classroom, I finish the day of teaching. When complete, I check on him. He is very still. And then, I see a breath. I wait. More stillness. Then, another breath. His final breaths are long apart.
I pick up his cold little body, and stroke him in his last small gasps of life.
"It's OK to go," I say, a small tightness in my throat. "Let your soul be free. Time to free yourself from this body." With a last breath, liquid pours from his mouth and I lay his body back in the dirt of the potted plant.
A few days earlier, the Other and I had been speaking about the mice who show up in his home. For him, mice symbolize taking care of the details of life. I wonder what this little mouse’s visitation means – Little Mishka – who clearly wanted to be held in his dying moments.
Perhaps to give loving death to the excess of details in my life? Create some space – some breathing space?
~*~
The clock reads 3am. I am wide awake. Instead of torturing myself attempting to sleep, I sit up in bed, and in the quiet darkness, I decide to journey.
Something in real-time/ real-space growls outside my bedroom. A half-growl, half-scream – it is very brief. I feel my awareness temporarily transport from vision-space to physical-space. I wonder if I am hearing Raccoon?
Apr 30th, 2013
I awaken. It is 3am.
I lie awake, thinking of the plant.
In the morning, I search on the Internet: "Yellow Lobster Claw Plant"... There are a few different plants that show up in the search, but one that matches the feeling and look of the dream-plant makes itself known to me.
I suddenly think back to my conversation with the Other last week. Out of nowhere, in the midst of an unrelated conversation, he turned to me and asked "What's with this Philippine Psychic doctor?" I had no answer at the time. I now have an answer.
May 3rd, 2013
It has been three days of sheer emotional intensity. Formal beginnings with the Other are leading to clearings and endings of old patterns. I bend over to leave a new offering at Heart Ma’s base.
The original feather offerings are still there, though one feather is missing. Oddly, it is the feather that was held more tightly to the grouping, so it feels strange to see it resting on the ground a small distance away. But, in the context of conversations about his fear in opening to me, and his request to only engage in spending time if I am truly serious about being related, it seems to me that the feather was pulled out as a result. I strongly feel his wounded-self in vulnerability.
I intentionally and purposefully put the feather back with prayers and affirmation. In the past week, I have honoured his request and, more importantly, stood firmly in my centre as I ceremoniously shed my old skin. I stand here now, with Heart Ma, for myself, my heart, my needs, and my vision.
“I see, Ma, my task is to stand in my centre and not compromise my shape just to fit the perceptions of another, or to somehow be "pleasing." I choose to stay true to myself, speak my truth, and remain free.
What I offer as teachings – being in presence, letting energy in and giving it all away – these are part of my medicine to offer, and I must remain fierce in my commitment to this work.”
I pause, letting my body vibrate – the message of the spoken words passes through me.
After some time, I ask, "Ma, do you have any message or teachings?" I struggle to connect to her. There is silence for a long time.
"Ma, what are the teachings of the past few days?"
"You know the answer. To stay true to your centre, your path."
She gave images of herself as she grows, always in integrity with her own life-force. Even as obstacles arise, or she encounters new elements that require her to grow in different ways, she always does so while remaining in integrity to her own centre and self.
"What of the teachings Mother – your teachings? Where do I go with these?"
Something shifts – a pressure forms at the base of my skull and into the base of my brain. I feel a force, and Ma's voice also shifts. I see grey-darkness and strands of brown that seem like single strands of energy or perhaps DNA.
"Offer the teachings to the Other, gently."
She repeats this a few times.
"It is important. What he will gift you will be equally important. What will emerge between you will be potent medicine."
"How do I gift him the teachings? In lessons, in words...?"
I feel strong pressure and sensation in my right calf.
"Embody our medicine and teachings. To your foundation and core. Be the medicine. Deliver it in words as well as example. Do not waiver from it. Embody it in every way."
"Is there anything else about gifting your teachings?"
"Stay open, child. Just stay open.
Now go, assimilate. Enough for today."
May 5th, 2013
It is the wee hours of dark-time, and I have awoken from a dream. In the dream, the Other was angry, and in pain and anguish. In the dream, I had viewed him from below – as if I were a small child looking up at him...
May 6th, 2013
I awaken early, and so decide to do a morning journey with Heart Ma.
~*~
The Other phones me, in pain, revealing what had happened to him the night before. He wants me to know, he says, because I will find out anyway. I do not tell him I already know – that he had visited me in dreamtime.
May 7th, 2013
Heart Ma consoles me. “Ma, I believe my work in releasing old patterns and shedding my skin has precipitated this healing crisis for the Other. If I see it in context, he will be rooting out all the old in order to find the open and clear heart, whether he is aware of it or not. And I will be doing the work of centering – of staying open and rooted – loving, yet clear and firm. The time for my vulnerability has shifted and I must now embody the teachings to the core.”
The triad of feathers remains. I recall that the feather that was torn away last time represents his wounded self. When I had returned it to the grouping, I had asked that he be held in the embrace of “us.” I had called his wounded-self to healing, and offered our relationship as support. Hence he called me yesterday in need of acceptance and love.
The medicine is already working.
I open my hand to look at the Robin egg-shell that I found on my walk to Heart Ma. Placing it in the moss offering-cave at her base, I say aloud, "This is “new birth,” Ma. I feared in the night that I might be taking a step backward, aborting my growth. But in the presence of you, my Teacher, I know this is a step – perhaps leap – forward in many aspects of my life."
I ask Ma about sharing her teachings with the Other. In return, Ma gives a sensation of vast spaciousness in my heart.
I leave, feeling as though I need to get back home. A few steps later, I turn around and return to her.
“Ma, what do I do about sharing your teachings with students?”
She smiles. "Do not worry. Your work is to embody them completely. Share as you are sharing now. Teach in the summer as you have planned, and prepare by immersing yourself. The greater teachings will emerge from there."
As I walk home, I find fur on the ground. For some reason, this stimulates the teachings of Dark Ma to channel through me. If I stand in the place of fear and the perspective of the child, this experience will be poison. If I stand in and embody the clear heart, this experience will be medicine, for both of us.
The college teaching season is almost complete. It is mid-morning, and I am taking a momentary break to go to the bathroom while the students are busy with an exercise. On my return I peek into an adjacent room where some of our programs are also taught. Little Mishka – mouse – is dying on the floor.
I walk over and stoop to pet him. As I lift my hand away from his body, he crawls toward me. I pick him up and bring him to the potted plants in the covered outdoor foyer, hoping at least he will have a bit of time in "nature" to die in peace. Returning to the classroom, I finish the day of teaching. When complete, I check on him. He is very still. And then, I see a breath. I wait. More stillness. Then, another breath. His final breaths are long apart.
I pick up his cold little body, and stroke him in his last small gasps of life.
"It's OK to go," I say, a small tightness in my throat. "Let your soul be free. Time to free yourself from this body." With a last breath, liquid pours from his mouth and I lay his body back in the dirt of the potted plant.
A few days earlier, the Other and I had been speaking about the mice who show up in his home. For him, mice symbolize taking care of the details of life. I wonder what this little mouse’s visitation means – Little Mishka – who clearly wanted to be held in his dying moments.
Perhaps to give loving death to the excess of details in my life? Create some space – some breathing space?
~*~
The clock reads 3am. I am wide awake. Instead of torturing myself attempting to sleep, I sit up in bed, and in the quiet darkness, I decide to journey.
I meet Crow Molfar in the forest –
the winds are blowing outside, and he carries me to a distant ocean on a
moonless night. As I stand and listen to wind and waves, he speaks to me.
"You and the Other made a
soul agreement a long, long time ago to come together, to mirror one
another. This is a meeting of love and power, healing and
wholeness. It is part of the earth healing as well."
Crow Molfar then picks me up and
transports me to where the Other lives. It is night, and I feel the land
and energy here. Sitting with the moon and wind, I am aware the Other is
sleeping inside his cabin. I step into his room and offer a prayer for
peace and transformation over his body.
I then offer a prayer, that we
bring love and lightness to each other – that there be continued ease,
acceptance and empowerment of one another.
Father reminds me, "Your
medicine is strong. You would not come together at this time and in this
way if your medicines were not matched. Of course, he will teach you, and
you will teach him. You will also heal one another. You must
stand in your medicine and strength. The Other tests you. He is, in
some ways, more vulnerable than you think. He is strong as well. Do not
defer to your perception that his medicine is better or "more" than
yours. You are equal, different, complimentary."
I once again find myself standing
outside his cabin. A gentle light is
dawning over the hills, and I find emanations of Ma outside the front and back
corners of his home. My awareness turns to the front corner. It feels
magical, safe. Makara in snake-form is
beside Ma as guardian. I notice that both front and back emanations of Ma
crawl on the ground rather than climb skyward.
Shifting my attention, I sense
Back-Corner-Ma. She lets me see, from
her perspective, the floor of the forest. There is a reason she crawls, like a snake, on the ground. I
clearly see, or sense, a void of energy surrounding the cabin along the
back. It feels unsafe to climb up. There is no energy here – in
fact, I sense a drain of energy. And yet, in that back corner inside the
house, I experience a thickness – a feeling of heaviness and density that is
definitely not positive.
I approach the backside of the
house, and…
Something in real-time/ real-space growls outside my bedroom. A half-growl, half-scream – it is very brief. I feel my awareness temporarily transport from vision-space to physical-space. I wonder if I am hearing Raccoon?
Returning to the vision, I
re-approach the outer back-corner wall.
My tummy growls – it sounds like an animal, so I back away from that corner.
A thought arises. Whatever this energy, it is tied to the history of this land, and
somehow to the Other as well. It is something to gently observe with Ma's
help, but not provoke.
I came back the Father and he
counsels, "Love, acceptance – this is your task. Give the Other
the medicine of touch, child... The mystery of the cabin and land will unfold
with time. This is all for now."
Apr 30th, 2013
I am in a garden. In front
of me is a plant – yellow, slimy, and shaped like lobster with a lobster claw
drooping down. The claw falls off, and in its place, leaves begin to
grow. I taste the “claw.” Lettuce plants grow nearby – their leaves
unusually dry. Touching the leaves, the sensation under my fingertips
reminds me of the thin-skin on the eczema spots of my collar-bones.
I lie awake, thinking of the plant.
In the morning, I search on the Internet: "Yellow Lobster Claw Plant"... There are a few different plants that show up in the search, but one that matches the feeling and look of the dream-plant makes itself known to me.
Gmelina Philippensis
Native to the
Philippines. Poisonous milky sap. Seeds used to cure eczema in
Philippine Natural Medicine.
I suddenly think back to my conversation with the Other last week. Out of nowhere, in the midst of an unrelated conversation, he turned to me and asked "What's with this Philippine Psychic doctor?" I had no answer at the time. I now have an answer.
May 3rd, 2013
It has been three days of sheer emotional intensity. Formal beginnings with the Other are leading to clearings and endings of old patterns. I bend over to leave a new offering at Heart Ma’s base.
The original feather offerings are still there, though one feather is missing. Oddly, it is the feather that was held more tightly to the grouping, so it feels strange to see it resting on the ground a small distance away. But, in the context of conversations about his fear in opening to me, and his request to only engage in spending time if I am truly serious about being related, it seems to me that the feather was pulled out as a result. I strongly feel his wounded-self in vulnerability.
I intentionally and purposefully put the feather back with prayers and affirmation. In the past week, I have honoured his request and, more importantly, stood firmly in my centre as I ceremoniously shed my old skin. I stand here now, with Heart Ma, for myself, my heart, my needs, and my vision.
“I see, Ma, my task is to stand in my centre and not compromise my shape just to fit the perceptions of another, or to somehow be "pleasing." I choose to stay true to myself, speak my truth, and remain free.
What I offer as teachings – being in presence, letting energy in and giving it all away – these are part of my medicine to offer, and I must remain fierce in my commitment to this work.”
I pause, letting my body vibrate – the message of the spoken words passes through me.
After some time, I ask, "Ma, do you have any message or teachings?" I struggle to connect to her. There is silence for a long time.
"Ma, what are the teachings of the past few days?"
"You know the answer. To stay true to your centre, your path."
She gave images of herself as she grows, always in integrity with her own life-force. Even as obstacles arise, or she encounters new elements that require her to grow in different ways, she always does so while remaining in integrity to her own centre and self.
"What of the teachings Mother – your teachings? Where do I go with these?"
Something shifts – a pressure forms at the base of my skull and into the base of my brain. I feel a force, and Ma's voice also shifts. I see grey-darkness and strands of brown that seem like single strands of energy or perhaps DNA.
"Offer the teachings to the Other, gently."
She repeats this a few times.
"It is important. What he will gift you will be equally important. What will emerge between you will be potent medicine."
"How do I gift him the teachings? In lessons, in words...?"
I feel strong pressure and sensation in my right calf.
"Embody our medicine and teachings. To your foundation and core. Be the medicine. Deliver it in words as well as example. Do not waiver from it. Embody it in every way."
"Is there anything else about gifting your teachings?"
"Stay open, child. Just stay open.
Now go, assimilate. Enough for today."
May 5th, 2013
It is the wee hours of dark-time, and I have awoken from a dream. In the dream, the Other was angry, and in pain and anguish. In the dream, I had viewed him from below – as if I were a small child looking up at him...
May 6th, 2013
I awaken early, and so decide to do a morning journey with Heart Ma.
I enter the moss at her base and
am brought to a cave – the small space where I leave offerings for her. I
nestle into earth of the cave-floor and feel a melting in my heart. Then I find
her, in pain – the passionate and wild self. She does not want to leave
the dark cave.
"It is time," I say to
her. And I know in my heart I will find her – my wild wolf self – again, as I
open to the Other.
~*~
The Other phones me, in pain, revealing what had happened to him the night before. He wants me to know, he says, because I will find out anyway. I do not tell him I already know – that he had visited me in dreamtime.
May 7th, 2013
Heart Ma consoles me. “Ma, I believe my work in releasing old patterns and shedding my skin has precipitated this healing crisis for the Other. If I see it in context, he will be rooting out all the old in order to find the open and clear heart, whether he is aware of it or not. And I will be doing the work of centering – of staying open and rooted – loving, yet clear and firm. The time for my vulnerability has shifted and I must now embody the teachings to the core.”
The triad of feathers remains. I recall that the feather that was torn away last time represents his wounded self. When I had returned it to the grouping, I had asked that he be held in the embrace of “us.” I had called his wounded-self to healing, and offered our relationship as support. Hence he called me yesterday in need of acceptance and love.
The medicine is already working.
I open my hand to look at the Robin egg-shell that I found on my walk to Heart Ma. Placing it in the moss offering-cave at her base, I say aloud, "This is “new birth,” Ma. I feared in the night that I might be taking a step backward, aborting my growth. But in the presence of you, my Teacher, I know this is a step – perhaps leap – forward in many aspects of my life."
I ask Ma about sharing her teachings with the Other. In return, Ma gives a sensation of vast spaciousness in my heart.
I leave, feeling as though I need to get back home. A few steps later, I turn around and return to her.
“Ma, what do I do about sharing your teachings with students?”
She smiles. "Do not worry. Your work is to embody them completely. Share as you are sharing now. Teach in the summer as you have planned, and prepare by immersing yourself. The greater teachings will emerge from there."
As I walk home, I find fur on the ground. For some reason, this stimulates the teachings of Dark Ma to channel through me. If I stand in the place of fear and the perspective of the child, this experience will be poison. If I stand in and embody the clear heart, this experience will be medicine, for both of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment